me: “…of course i believe in polyamory. i grew up reading archie comics.”
me: “…of course i believe in polyamory. i grew up reading archie comics.”
it’s not pithy or even glib or trite.
it’s collective nonsense turned into slang.
(ok, when isn’t collective nonsense not turned into a thing? i’m looking at YOU-
every meme ever.)
that is all, really.
don’t say it around me.
because i’ll hit you.
and when you complain
then i’ll say it.
in my world, there are about three general responses i could have when i run into an Ex in the street.
1.Point and laugh.
(sometimes a combo.)
i imagine it is awkward under even the best of circumstances. not that i can really imagine what the best circumstances would be. perhaps:
1. You run into your Ex on the way into the book signing for your best selling novel.
4.You run into your Ex in a late model pickup truck or SUV with stolen plates… reverse, and do it again. Then drive off into the night, cackling, vengeance yours.
but there’s always that one person from your past where the relationship went sour like milk and you wouldn’t even want to run into them in the street without a Nobel Peace Prize in one hand and a can of ‘told-ya-so’ in the other and yet you still effing do. i know a guy like that.
in the first years and a half since that break-up i ran into that guy five times.
(one of the run-ins was a semi-drunken late night exchange in front of a 24-hour McDonald’s walk-up window. his friend threw a chicken mcnugget at my friend’s head. nothing good can come from french fries at 2am. nothing.)
me: …that means its two days before mercury retrograde is over
she: mercury is forever in retrograde. it seems like there are only 10 days in the year when it’s NOT in retro and they have the nerve to be scattered throughout the calendar.
I blame my life on Mercury retrograding.
Spilled coffee? Mercury retrograding.
Getting a divorce? Mercury retrograding.
National disasters? Mercury retrograding.
me: basically! every time you turn around its like:
“dont make any plans!”
she: why do the days drag so? like this whole week?
me: right now my day is hovering.
and im thinking
i could do x y z with my day
OR i could let it fall to the wayside
looking up after reading just one more gossip blog entry and somehow that will be the rest of my life.
me: and then oh shit its 5pm?
so that means im exhausted from sitting in this chair all day and have burned off my breakfast that i ate 4 hours ago by furioiusly scrolling thru all my bookmarked tumblr pages?
me: how is this my life?
she: Mercury retrograding.
me: foolish question
a fairly regular occurrence, well, occurred.
i was walking down the street, minding my own business.
neither looking left or right in particular, but making eye contact with people as i am wont to do because i am admittedly a teeny-tiny bit of a townie (no shade) and i feel like it is good for neighborhood morale if everyone smiles like the non-manhattan-ites we actually are.
(regardless of how many of us would rather be manhattan-ites, but thats another story)
99% of the time – people smile back, and if i we know each other they say hello.
80% of the time they say hello even if we are total strangers and they get the “good neighbor” award for the day.
less frequently they will think i am my sister. or think they know me from some event that happened in the early 90s by in which case again they think i am my sister. i looked like THIS in the early 90s. it wasn’t me. i promise.
i’m sorry anyway.
and oftentimes, more often than even i suspect it would happen… i get this.
friendly neighbor: miss! miss! hello, miss!
me: hello there.
friendly neighbor: can i… can i ask you something?
me: uhm… ok
(this is usually the part where i look for the clipboard where the friendly neighbor would like me to sign something for the Human Rights Campaign)
(it’s not the Human Rights Campaign)
friendlyneighbor: is that your real hair?
is this my real hair? is that your real question? you stopped me from a half a block away to come charging at me out of breath to ask me if THE HAIR SITTING ON THE TOP OF MY HEAD WAS GROWING FROM MY SCALP???
i’ve encountered many, many version of interaction that run from semi-harmless and inquisitive:
“is that your real hair?” “how do you get your hair to do that?” “wow!”
(no, i don’t really think my hair is worth a full-on “WOW” but it happens, and honestly its flattering, i admit it. i do this shit myself. i’ll take an accolade or two.)
but on the flip side, it can also be a beacon for crazy/rudeness:
“what IS that?”
(it’s hair, you idiot. the great tell to figure it out is the fact that its growing out of my head.)
“can you wash your hair like that?”
(why don’t you try to smell me and then find out what happens.)
“is that fabric?”
(you’re an idiot. go swallow something sharp.)
sometimes, this type of exchange is fun and i have a mini lesson on race relations with a stranger, to boot! sometimes i hear about someones jewish or puerto rican friend who also has “super curly” hair but how their hair doesn’t do “THAT” (hardy-har-har). sometimes i have to swat a reaching hand (only once). sometimes i smile awkwardly and move away slowly.
and sometimes, like last night. it annoys me.
i mean, i get it. i truly, truly do. i’ve walked around with some version of THAT on my head since the dawn of my creation – except for some ill-conceived idea to try to make THAT aka my hair do the opposite, which did not end well.
anyway, i know that sometimes if i’m in certain places or if my hair is dyed certain colors certain people will consider THAT aka my hair a spectacle. this one time…
(wait for it) at art camp… in ROME.
i was followed around a department store by two clerks and four shopping women… no, not to see if i was stealing, but because they were taking turns reaching out to try to touch my hair and chickening out and trying again.
kids, the way to say “NO” in italian is “NO”.
anyway, i get it. people are going to stop, stare, look, point, ask, touch (get swatted), take photos unasked (seriously this happend) and generally be inquisitive. i also have a piece of metal thru the center of my face. not unlike this:
and sometimes…. sometimes my hair is the same color as the above, too.
trust me. i GET it.
but sometimes… sometimes the exchange goes like this:
friendlyneighbor: is that you’re real hair?
me: (blank face) …yes. it’s mine.
friendlyneighbor: …oh… well it’s GORGEOUS!
THAT is what makes me sick!
does it matter? really? really? does it matter if its mine by virtue of purchase or by genetics? does it make it any less “gorgeous”?
what if i had said “no, its someone else’s?”
well, if i had said that they probably wouldn’t have understood the joke ’til i was well on my way -if ever -as they are the type of person who chases a stranger down on the street to ask if they are wearing a hairpiece. it is always as if they are tempering their compliment on the basis of it being ‘real’ or ‘fake’. and usually they chide me if my response is incredulous because they are trying to “give me a compliment”
should i ask – “is it real what? obviously its real you can see that it exists.”
i’ve tried asking if it matters if it is real or fake if it is visibly “gorgeous”, and usually it devolves into a “conversation” about how:
or “black-women-always-got-weaves” or
and most times, sadly, i dont give this asshole a dressing down. i just say “yes” and then grit my teeth and move on to write a blog post.
but always, always, i want to say this:
and then i wonder if they are smart enough to get the humor on seinfield.
was that rude?
they started it.
From Dr.Shonuffs feel it to believe it formula to Grandma Fanny’s KitchenAid to Mystical Magical Exotic Amazon Oil to regular old Dep and do it there’s a shit-ton of natural hair products, supplies remedies, regimens, routines and hairules for keeping hair that is in its natural condition in nice condition.
Shit tons of it. Most of it well documented. Video logged, scientifually broken down by kitchen-titians and aesticitians and supermarket-scalp-scientists. But the plethora of this information doesn’t make it any easier to get thru than a thin toothed comb through 4B hair.
my hair is HOUNGRAY.
me, as a person- i am alway hungry. ALWAYS.
and the only living thing i have ever come across that is hungrier than me – is my hair. i look at the dainty little jars of product that the natural hair care blogs are touting as the next best sliced bread and no split ends type thing and i can literally hear my hair laughing at that bottle. cackling wicked witch of the west style.
“don’t make me laugh. that’s an appetizer” my hair says to me. for $68 bucks a pop? i most certainly will not. (yes. i talk to my hair)
maybe if i melt down the plastic jar, too there will be enough to go around. but i doubt it.
so then what?
i have a bathroom cabinet purged of all sulfates and mineral oils and more hair ‘products’ from the WholeFoods than from SallyBeauty, and it just.. keeps… going… both the food/hair products in my bathroom and increasing volume-to- hunger ratio of my hair.
i know. i know. i’m lucky.
on the millions of hairblogs that i have in my bookmarks folder one of the most asked and debated questions is how to achieve exactly that. How to Retain Length? (and then alternately: Why Do We WANT to Retain Length?) most of the time i want to pass out half way through trying a new style (or rebraiding, or washing, or the ever infrequent detangling). and because of it i’m prone to just doing the most simple thing as possible to it and keep it moving.
between the mixing of my own home brew and the braiding/twisting/washing/detangling of the back of my own head i imagine its about the same work out that i would get carrying home enough of the popular store brand products to actually cover my head.
i still don’t really know what is the next step for my hair is. but at least i’ll never have to buy a shakeweight
how do you make friends as an adult?
coz i need more/better/new ones.
not that theres anything wrong with the ones i’ve got – i love them all truly, madly, deeply. but as is the course of friendships- you become friends because of shared interests and remain friends because of shared history. you know what you are going to GET with your peeps and thats what makes them YOURS.
knowing them as i do, i know the majority of mine arent going to want to go barhopping on a sunday night no matter how hard i beg. which is why i find myself writing a memorial to my social life. not of a year ago when i was a swinging single. nay. of about 25 years ago when i was in pre school and the easiest way to make a new friend was to plop down beside them in the sandbox and show them that you, too, liked to make gourmet meals from play doh and it was game ON from there on out.
things ain’t that simple no more. majority of my friends now are in various relationship stages that are not conducive to stone chillin’ saturday nights as in the days of old. they’re either
A:coupled up – so do married type things on the weekend like antiquing upstate, or visiting their special person’s parents for long weekends on lumpy twin beds.
or hang out with other couples who are married or married-like and talk about antiquing trips upstate with the parents.
or B: newly coupled- which means they spend their entire weekend in bed discovering all the fascinating quirks about their partner that will annoy the shit out of them in 7 months but that at the moment they find adorable, or telling stories about things they did in junior high and drinking each others sweat.
until they come up for air there’s really no room for a third in that party.
and the last group, the dying breed, i was the local chapter president of for longer than i remember –can’t hang out on weekends because they are
C:single and mingling.
which means roughly a year ago today i was most likely drunk, doing something mildly inappropriate with someone who’s last name i didn’t know then and first name i can’t remember now. (ok. or home happily reading a book) either way, a complete 180 from tonight, where i bedrugingly took off my party clothes at 11pm and told myself I need to get a jump start on tomorrow’s work. which brings me back around to my original lament. where, as an adult do you make new friends? its not like picking up fruit (or tricks) in the supermarket, or books (or tricks) in the bookstore.
if you lean over to the interesting looking girl sitting next to you on the subway reading the fountainhead on her ipad (only after checking to see if her thick frame black glasses actually had a perscription in the lens. (score! they do. proceed) and ask her where she got that obviously eco-friendly backpack… she’s going to think you’re cruising her.
aaaaaaand a year ago she would have been right.
or, when you’re at your local organic coffee place and that guy with the bike and the yogamat and the vintage sneakers saunters in blasting something out of his beats by dre that sounds kinda like starwars meets r&b meets 80s; if you grab him before he takes his soy latte to-go in order to ask what is he listening to and does he know if they touring locally? he’s going to think you are cruising him. aaaaaaaaaand again, a year ago he would have ended up as that
fuck friend you dont remember from last summer and therefore he would have been right.
so whats a girl to do?
join professional clubs, do charity, get involved with your community, take a class? could find tons of people with shared interest and you’ll have reasons to talk to them eliminating the awkward “hello” and the tamping down the automatic response of trying to formulate a meet-cute when all you want to do is find someone to talk about how much you still miss LOST.
and then what happens when it comes down to the main nerve-wracking event part where you exchange numbers – how do you ask someone out on a friend date without feeling date-like?
how do you cruise for platonic friends?